My Lover

You were my friend, You were my teacher,
You were the closest thing to my heart.

We never spoke, We never heard,
But those were the best conversations I had.

You were my father figure, You were my guide,
My unconditional feelings, I could never hide.

But when those moments came close,
My feelings, I struggled to expose.

You understood me, You could read my mind,
Only you knew what I wanted, and could help me find.

Now I don't have you, more than ever,
The one I never had, you were: My Lover.

Why couldn't I be with you, Why didn't I even get a single chance?
Only you are answerable, But I relieve you now as I take a stand.

For you, were simply nothing,
You were, The Lover I Never Had.

Wrong Place

You've been looking in all the wrong places..!
its not in my energy, its in my mood

its not in my eyes, its in the tears I wipe off
its not in my smile, its in the way I laugh

its not how I get clicked with you, its how I keep our picture
its not how I say goodbye, its how I close the door behind me

its not in my words, its in my voice
and it would help so much if you would hear it right now.

I know this isn't the right place to find it...
But you wanted the truth and you've been looking in all the wrong places.

1st Rain of the Year 2012

So I’m lying here on my living room sofa.. The leather that covers this has been swept by the cool moist air which this unpredictable rain brings with itself. Its 1:10 am, 13^th march 2012 and its been raining since almost an hour now.. The rain, pouring even harder now as I get up and stare aimlessly at the leaking sky 

and then at the wet road 

from my balcony, the air feels cool.. Recieving constant messages from my cousin with whom I have planned a nice morning walk. Initially we were happy to see the nice weather with the drizzle, but now it seems that the rain will wash away with itself, our plans for tomorrow..

Standing in my balcony, I sense a mental block, away from all the worries yet running the engines of my brain and acknowledging all the things I love about rain. I love it when it rains. I love everything about it from the moment the first drop touches my forehead or the road.. which ever comes first. I love the sound of the water pouring all around me and yet untouched by even a drop of it. The cold breeze cleaning my face, the wind blowing away my long hair filling it up with dew, the unmatched smell of the mixture of mud and rain in the perfect ratio, God’s bucket with infinite gallons of water I think to myself as I am shaken by the sudden noise of thunder outside my balcony.. I love how the sky changes different shades from gray, to bluish purple, and to a pinkish orangy red. Its so natural yet unbelievable in its own way. My feet make a sweet sound of :chhap chhap with the wet balcony floor as I return to my spot on the sofa and peep out as I see God sending flashing signals in the form of lightening outside the balcony as if he wanted me to go outside and not to miss a single moment of the first rain of the year. But even while sitting comfortably on the sofa, the thunder doesn’t fail to startle me. Every time I expect it the least, it surprises me even more.

As I sit inside my living room, admiring the view outside, droplets of rain falling inside, from the open door to the balcony, secretly kiss my arms.. I hear the rain getting calmer now.. A car just slowly passing on the road (I can make out by the subtle tearing noise the tyres make while cutting the water which lies trembling on the wet road). The sound of the wooden wind chime is much clearer now.

Tempted by the calm air, I make a last visit to the balcony.. This should ideally be the time when I get carried away in the romantic mood and play a nice hindi song like “shaam” or “suno na” or “hona tha pyar” on my phone and then end up calling someone whom I love. Not because I miss them, but because by this moment, my insides are filled with emotions and I need to let them out to the only person who cares for me the most and whom I’m in love with. But instead, I stare aimlessly at the leaking sky and then at the wet road, this time feeling the chill go down my back, as I walk back to my bedroom (thunder playing in the background, shaking me for the last time) as I call it a night.

Distractions...

Think of something in your life, that you crave for.. Something that you would die to have. Something which you have been wanting to have for a very long time now. You dream about it almost every single day of your life and wish to get closer to it with every passing minute. This thing, this force is driving your life.. Think about it!

Now think of all those things which are stopping you from getting what you want. It can be anything! Something you created, something someone else created for you. Something really tiny and maybe you're giving it a lot of importance. Or some weird creation of your own master mind. Anybody would call these distractions...

What really is a distraction according to me is, when we find ways to play a safer bet. How? Well.. very simple!
When we really want something, like REALLY REALLY want something, NOTHING is a distraction! NOTHING can really stop us. But that slight insecurity of failing makes us think of all the small things which we can blame for us not being able to achieve what we really want.

Well... what to say.... that's the UGLY TRUTH ! ;) I never wanted to believe that its all ME who is stopping me from doing things... But when I came to terms with it... I decided to change somethings...

Biggest Velli Around...

There was a time when I didnt even have enough time to switch my gtalk/bbm status from available to "busy"..

And now? Now im so Vella! (for those of you who dont know what it means, its an understatement for 'jobless') that Im actually sitting and writing about how Vella I am! damn... never thought this day would come.

Even though my final project is due in less than 2 months now, and I havent really done enough.. somehow, there is no urge from within to work for it!!!

I dont know how i got here... no drive, no feeling, no dedication, no nothing...
and its not just studying.... Ive even stopped dancing!
The only one thing that i loved to do has taken a back seat.... God!

People are after my life to start being the way i was.. they loved me when i was busy.. cause that way, they saw me less and would appreciate the time i took out for them... now im simply annoying... im always around... jobless... velli....

I need to get out of this... Need to do something... anything...!

Just to step out of the house.. Hope the next post on my blog is something to do with what i did!